Guide to Etiquette
From SuspireWiki
More than you ever wanted to know about etiquette in Regency and Victorian england. Perfect for characters embraced before 1900 and Invictus or Ordo in general.
Taken from The Book of Good Manners by Walter Cox Green and edited slightly for a night time setting (as well as very very much shortened). This book isn't copy writted in the United States so if you're interested you can get it for free in it's full version from the Gutenburg Project.
Addressing Envelopes
Men
A man should be addressed as Mr. James J. Wilson, or James J. Wilson, Esq. Either the Mr. or the Esq. may be used, but not the two together. The title belonging to a man should be given. It is not customary to use Mr. or Esq. when Jr. or Sr. is used.
Women
A woman's name should always have the Miss or Mrs. A woman should never be given her husband's official title, as Mrs. Judge Wilson. If a woman has a title of her own, she should be addressed as Dr. Minnie Wilson, when the letter is a professional one. If a social letter, this should be Miss Minnie Wilson, or Mrs. Minnie Wilson.
Addressing and Signing Letters
All answers to invitations should be addressed to the party issuing them. Letters to a woman who is a comparative stranger may begin My dear Mrs. Wilson, and to a closer acquaintance Dear Mrs. Wilson.
Letters to a man who is a comparative stranger may begin My dear Mr. Wilson, and to a closer acquaintance Dear Mr. Wilson. For forms of addressing persons with titles, as Mayor, see under that title--as, Mayor, Governor. The letters may end, Sincerely yours, or Very truly yours, or I remain yours with kindest regards.
The signature of a man should be John J. Wilson or J. Jones Wilson.
An unmarried woman should sign social letters as Minnie Wilson, and a business letter as Miss Minnie Wilson. A married woman should sign a social letter as Agnes Wilson. In signing a business letter, a married woman may either sign her name Mrs. Agnes Wilson, or, preferably, Agnes Wilson (Mrs. John Wilson)
Balls
A ball is an evening function, beginning at a late hour, devoted wholly to dancing. The costumes are more elaborate and the floral decorations more lavish than at a dance.
Announcing Guests
The hostess decides whether or not the guests are to be announced. At public balls it is customary.
Answering Invitations
These should be answered immediately, and if declined, the ticket should be returned.
Arriving At
There is no set rule when guests should arrive. However it is polite to arrive fifteen minutes after the hour set in the invitation.
Asking a Woman to Dance
A man asks for the privilege of a dance either with the hostess or with any woman receiving with her.
On being introduced to a woman, he may ask her for a dance, and should be punctual in keeping the engagement.
It is her privilege to end the dance at any moment she wishes, after which he should conduct her to her escort or find a seat for her, after which he is at liberty to go elsewhere.
If for any cause a man has to break his engagements to dance, he should personally explain the matter to every woman with whom he has an engagement and make a suitable apology.
Guests of Honor
If the ball is given in honor of some special person, he should be met on his arrival, introduced to the women of the reception committee, escorted to the seat prepared for him, and be attended to the whole evening by the management of the ball.
At the end of the ball, he should be escorted to his car.
Bowing
Men
When leaving a woman at the door of her house, he bows and retires as the door is opened.
Men do not raise their hats to one another, save out of deference to an elder or person of esteemed standing.
The hat is gracefully lifted from the head, brought to the level of the chest, and the body inclined forward, and then replaced in passing.
It is the woman's privilege to bow first if it is a mere acquaintance. If, however, a woman bows, and the man fails to recognize her, he should bow in return.
A man may bow first to a very intimate friend.
Meeting a woman to whom he has been introduced at an entertainment, he should wait until she bows first.
After bowing to a woman, the man may join her, and with her permission may walk a short distance with her.
He should not stand in the street and converse with her any length of time. She may excuse herself and pass on. He should not feel affronted.
If he meets a woman he does not know accompanied by a man he does know, both men bow.
The man accompanying her should bow to every man or woman whom she bows.
Women
A woman's bow should be dignified--a faint smile and a gentle inclination of the head.
Women bow first to men when meeting in the street. A man may bow first if the acquaintance is intimate.
When walking with a man, and they meet another unknown to her, but known to her escort, both men bow. If she meets a friend, man or woman, unknown to her escort, he bows.
Unless an introduction has taken place at any function, no recognition is customary. It is the woman's privilege, however, to decide for herself whether she will recognize the guest or not.
A man bowing and joining a woman on the street must ask permission to do so. She is at perfect liberty to gracefully decline.
If a man stops to talk on the street, she may excuse herself and pass on. If she continues the conversation and he stands with his hat in his hand, she may request him to replace it. Such conversations should be brief.
Canes
A cane is the correct thing for a man when walking, except when engaged in business. It should be held a few inches below the knob, ferrule down, and should, like umbrellas, be carried vertically.
Calling
When making a formal or brief call the cane should be left in the hall.
Cards
Style
The full name should be used, and if too long, the initials only. The address is put in the lower left-hand corner, and if not living at a club, the home address should be in lower right-hand corner. In the absence of a title, Mr. is always used on an engraved but not a written card.
Cards should be engraved in plain letter, according to prevailing fashion.
Written cards are in bad taste, but in case of necessity they may be used. The name should be written in full if not too long, and should be the autograph of the sender.
Messages or writing should not appear on men's cards. If address is changed, new cards should be engraved. In an emergency only the new address may be written.
Conclusion of a Letter
The standard conclusions of letters are: I remain sincerely yours, or; Believe me faithfully yours.
For business correspondence the standard conclusions are: Yours truly, or; Very truly yours.
For relatives and dear friends the standard forms are: Affectionately yours, or; Devotedly yours.
One should avoid signing a letter with only initials, Christian name, surnames, or diminutives.
Crests
If men and women wish, these may be stamped in the latest fashionable colors on their stationery. It is not customary to use a crest and a stamped address on the same paper.
The present fashion in crests is that they should be of small size.
It is not usual to stamp the crest on the flap of the envelope.
If sealing-wax is used, some dull color should be chosen.
A person should avoid all individual eccentricities and oddities in stamping, such as facsimile autographs, etc.
Dances
Cars
A man should secure his valet-ticket when leaving his car. It is safer to take wraps and coats to the house in case of accidents.
When taking a woman wearing evening dress to a ball or dance, a man should provide a car.
Dress
Cocktail dress is worn by men and women.
Invitations
These should be acknowledged by an acceptance, or declined, with a note of regret within one week.
Patronesses
Their duties are varied and responsible--among them, the subscription to the expenses of the entertainments.
The patronesses should be divided into various committees to attend to special duties--as, music, caterers, supper arrangements, the ball-room, and all other details.
While affairs of this kind could be left in the hands of those employed to carry out the details, it is better and safer for each committee to follow the various matters out to the smallest details.
Those devising new features and surprises for such an occasion will give the most successful ball.
The one most active and having the best business ability should take the lead.
Lists should be compared, in order to avoid duplicate invitations.
The tickets should be divided among the patronesses, who, in turn, distribute them among their friends.
The patronesses should be at the ball-room in ample time before the arrival of the guests, to see that all is in readiness.
They should stand together beside the entrance to welcome the guests. They should see, as far as possible, that the proper introductions are made, and that every one is enjoying the evening, their own pleasure coming last.
If time permits, a hasty introduction to the patroness beside her may be made by a patroness, but it should not be done if there is the slightest possibility of blocking up the entrance.
A nod of recognition here and there, or a shake of the hands with some particular friend, is all that is necessary. Prolonged conversation should be avoided.
A patroness should not worry over the affair, or leave anything to be done at the last minute. If she has to worry, she should not show it, lest she interfere with the pleasure of others.
They should be the last to leave as well as the first to arrive, to see that the affair closes brilliantly.
Dances (Formal)
Host
When supper is announced, the host leads the way with his partner, followed by hostess and escort, the rest following.
Hostess
She should limit the number of guests to the capacity of the house.
Invitations should include more men than women, for some men may not attend, and of those who do come, some may not dance.
An awning and carpet should be spread from curb to steps. The man stationed at the curb should open car doors for arriving and departing guests as well as distribute valet-checks.
The servant opening the door directs the guests to the ballroom.
A small orchestra should be provided and concealed behind palms or flowers.
In the absence of polished floors, carpets should be covered with linen crash, tightly and securely laid, in order to stand the strain of dancing.
Friends may assist in taking care of the guests, making introductions, etc.
Dances (Informal)
Dances of this character lack all possible formality. The invitations may be written or verbal.
Piano music is all that is required, played by one of the family or a professional.
Refreshments of a suitable nature are provided
Dancing
The man must be introduced to the woman, and should ask her for the pleasure of a dance.
A man should greet the host as soon as possible after seeing the hostess.
At any function where patronesses are present, a man should bow to the one inviting him, and give her a few words of greeting.
At balls all men should dance, and those who do not, have no place there, though invited.
If a man comes alone and has no partner, he should seek hostess or assistants, and request an introduction to women who dance.
Introductions should be made as much as possible before the dancing begins.
If introduced to a woman, and she is free of engagement for the next dance, the man should invite her to dance.
A man should pay especial attention to the women of the house, and invite them to dance as early as possible.
A man should seek out those women who, for some reason, are neglected by selfish men, especially unescorted women, and invite them to dance.
Men should keep engagements a few minutes before each dance.
If for some good reason it is desired to break an engagement, it should be done so as to leave ample time for the other to secure a partner for that dance.
In round dances, the man supports the woman with right arm about her waist, taking care not to hold her too closely. His left hand holds her right one, both extended.
The woman should indicate when she desires to stop dancing.
A woman should always keep any engagement made, if possible. If, for a good reason, it is desired to break one, she should do so in ample time to enable the man to secure a partner.
It is bad form to refuse one partner for a dance and to accept another for the same dance afterward. After refusing to dance, a woman should lose that dance unless previously engaged.
A woman may refuse to dance at a public entertainment.
When the dancing ends, the woman takes her partner's arm and strolls about a few minutes. He then conducts her to her escort, and, after a few remarks, excuses himself.
Evening Dress
The phrase, "evening dress," is now used in place of full dress.
Men
Evening dress should be worn on all formal occasions, consisting of the swallow-tail coat of black material, made in the prevailing fashion, with waistcoat and trousers of the same material; or a white vest may be worn.
The linen must be white. Studs or shirt-buttons may be worn, according to fashion. The collar should be high, and the cravat white. Low patent-leather shoes and white kid gloves complete the costume.
Evening dress should be worn at all formal functions after six o'clock--balls, receptions, formal parties, court, theatre, opera, and fashionable evening calls where women are present.
Women
Evening dress for a woman consists of a ballgown--a gown of luxurious fabric which reaches her ankles and has a decollete neckline. A woman usually carries a stole and always wears gloves when wearing evening dress.
Garden Parties
Dress
It is customary for women to wear light-colored dresses.
Men wear summer business suits, yachting flannels, and straw hats, and even white duck trousers. Gloves are not worn.
The regulation frock coat and high hat is not worn, save at some extremely fashionable affair.
Guests
After leaving their outer garments in the established area, the guests should pay their respects to the hostess, after which they are free to enjoy themselves as they please.
The usual length of stay is about an hour or the whole evening.
While guests may arrive at their own convenient time, they would do well to remember that they have not the same freedom to come and go as at an afternoon reception.
Guests should take leave of the hostess unless she is very much engaged.
Gifts
While not necessary, a guest after a house party may send some trifle to the hostess as a token of pleasure and appreciation.
Books, flowers, and other small articles of decoration are proper gifts to accept when given between a man and a woman.
Sending valuable gifts of jewelry, or any other article, depends largely upon the relationships of the parties, and should not be done unless the sender is sure of its acceptance. Such gifts should not be accepted from mere acquaintances or friends.
It is bad form for a man to send expensive presents to a woman who may be compelled to return them.
Gloves
Men
With formal evening dress, white kid gloves should be worn.
Men should always wear gloves at all balls, in summer or winter, in town or city.
Gloves need not be removed at a formal or brief call.
Gloves should be worn at formal dances, and should be put on before entering the room.
Shaking Hands
At balls, court, and on all very formal occasions, men wear gloves. In shaking hands with women on these occasions gloves should not be removed.
If a hostess wears gloves at any formal affair, a man wears his when he shakes hands with her.
A man with hands gloved should never shake hands with a woman without an apology for so doing, unless she likewise wears gloves. A sudden meeting, etc., may make a hand-shaking in gloves unavoidable. Unless the other party is also gloved, a man should say: "Please excuse my glove."
Women
Gloves should be worn at formal dances and balls, either of kid, lace or silk and of a color to match one's dress.
Hats (Men)
When making a formal or brief call, the hat should be carried in the hand into the parlor.
In apologizing to a woman, opening a door, or rendering any service to a woman in public, or in answering a question, the hat should be raised.
When seeing a woman to her car, he should raise his hat upon closing the car door. When attentions are offered by another man to a woman whom he is escorting, a man raises his hat in acknowledgment of the courtesy and thanks the party.
In an elevator a man should remove his hat in the presence of women.
In hotels where corridors are reserved and used as places of meeting and recreation by the guests, no hats should be worn.
House Parties
These usually refer to a group of congenial persons, numbering from four to twenty-four, and visiting country homes, making a stay of a few days or a few weeks.
Dress
The length of the visit and the nature of the house party determines the extent of wardrobe necessary. A guest should carry at least three changes of suits--one for the morning, one suitable for afternoon entertainments, picnics, etc., and the regulation evening dress.
Guest
To be a welcome guest the visitor should accommodate himself as much as possible to the plans of his hostess and the ways of the home life.
A visitor should avoid the common mistake of refusing to make a choice when a choice is offered.
A guest should try to be congenial with the other guests, kind to the servants, and to be considerate of all others.
Letter After Departure
If the visit has been more than two days, the guest should write a short letter to the hostess, telling of the pleasure the visit gave them and their safe journey home.
A guest so desiring might send some trifle as a gift to the hostess.
Tipping Servants
Unless a hostess positively requests her guests not to tip, a guest, when leaving at the end of a visit at a private house, should remember the servants. The average American, from lack of a definite standard, too often errs on the side of giving too much.
Those giving personal service should be remembered, as well as those who render service--as, the coachman and outside servants.
Hostess
While careful to provide entertainment for her guests, a hostess should be careful not to overentertain, and to allow each guest ample time in which to enjoy themselves any way they please. If an entertainment is planned for the afternoon, it is well to leave the mornings open, and vice versa.
The success of the hostess depends on her making the guests feel free from care and ennui.
Invitations
These should state definitely when a visit is to begin and to end. It is also a good plan to allude in the invitation to any special amusement or entertainment.
These invitations should be answered promptly.
Introductions
One should be careful in making introductions.
It is easier to evade than to cause disagreeable complications. It is unpardonable to introduce one party to another after having been warned not to do so.
Forgetting a person's name when about to introduce is awkward, and when it does occur, one should apologize and ask name. If a person fails to hear the name, it is proper to inform the one to whom you are introduced and to say: "Pardon me, but I failed to hear your name." In making introductions one should distinctly pronounce the names.
Persons of celebrity should have introductions made to them. Men should always be introduced to women, the younger to an elder person, and unmarried persons to the married. Persons at an entertainment are introduced to the guest of the occasion.
Women and men on being introduced may shake hands, but it is not good form. A polite bow, a smile, and friendly recognition is more correct.
Those invited to an entertainment are on equal footing; it is therefore not necessary to introduce one to another. Conversation may be held without this formality, though introductions may take place if desired. When an introduction occurs, future recognition is not warranted. For this reason great care should be exercised at entertainments that only those who are congenial to each other should be brought together.
At small gatherings it is more kindly to introduce. When many are present, it is not customary to do so.
Men
Men are introduced to women and single men to married men.
When introduced to a woman, a man should bow but not shake hands, and make some pleasant observations, and express pleasure at the introduction.
When introduced to another man, the man should shake hands.
Business introductions are immediate and personal, and are intended to bring men together without much formality. No formality is required in introducing one man to another on casual meeting.
It is well to avoid exaggerated expressions, as: "Delighted to meet you," or "Glad to know you." A simple "How do you do" is better.
A man introducing another to a woman should first ask her permission to do so. This gained, he introduces him with the remark: "Mr. Smith desires to be introduced to Miss Wilson."
A woman's permission should first be obtained by the party introducing. Very often off-hand introductions take place; but it is better to be more formal and careful, as indicated. If she evades or declines, a man should accept it without any show of feeling, and make it as easy for her as possible.
Formula
A good formula for men is: "Mr. Brown, may I present Mr. Clark?"
A man presenting a man friend to a woman should say: "Mr. Williams desires to be presented to Miss Wilson. Miss Wilson, allow me to introduce Mr. Williams. This is Mr. Williams, Miss Wilson."
The formality is sometimes waved, and the forms, "This is Mr. So and So, Miss Jones," "Mrs. Smith, Miss Jones," or "Allow me to present ----," are used when casual meetings occur.
Women
Women calling and meeting others may be introduced to each other by the hostess. Upon such an occasion, when a meeting happens between women, conversation may take place between them without an introduction. It does not imply further acquaintance if not desired.
Women upon being introduced to each other may shake hands, but a slight inclination of the body, a smile, and an appropriate remark are more correct.
When entering a room where others are assembled, introducing a guest to more than one person at a time is unadvisable.
No woman should allow a man to be introduced to her unless her permission has been first obtained. The exception would be in the case of a very elderly man, or a celebrity, when the honor would be conferred upon her.
A married woman to whom a man is presented receives him with some pleasant remark. An unmarried one receives him with a pleasant smile and repeats his name.
Personal introduction is done by a third party introducing two persons to each other, provided it is agreeable to all concerned. Introductions should be made with extreme care and caution, and not at all unless one is well acquainted with both parties.
Introductions, Letters of
The introduction of one person to another by letter is as follows: The party introducing writes the name of the party he introduces upon his own card, and above his name the words: Introducing Mr. Wilson (his friend's name). It is then placed in an envelope and addressed to the person to whom the introduction is to be made. On the lower left-hand corner of the envelope, Introducing Mr. Wilson, is written, and given to the bearer unsealed.
The party to whom a letter of introduction is given should send it by mail to the party they desire to be introduced to, enclosing their own card with address, and then await invitation to call.
This is preferable to calling in person, as it may not be agreeable or desirable for the party to open and begin such an acquaintance.
In business introduction, such formality may be set aside.
If a letter of introduction is personally delivered, the party presenting it should also enclose card.
If the party called upon is not at home, the letter or card should not be left, but sent by mail or messenger.
The one giving another a letter of introduction may write to the friend explaining why it is done, who and what the party is.
If a man sends a letter of introduction to a woman, she should acknowledge it, and, if she wishes, invite him to call.
Invitations
All invitations should be sent by mail. Verbal invitations should be avoided as much as possible, and if a verbal one is given, it should be followed immediately by one in writing.
Accepting or Declining
Invitations to all entertainments, when answers are expected, should be acknowledged by a written letter of acceptance or regret. The answer should be sent to the person or committee issuing the invitation.
Invitations to balls, dances, and receptions within one week.
When it is found necessary to decline after accepting an invitation, a card should be sent the evening of the entertainment with an explanatory letter the day following.
Costume Balls
Invitations are similar to invitations to balls, except that they have in place of Dancing in the lower left-hand corner. Costume of the XVIIIth Century, Bal Masque, or Bal Poudre.
Shaking Hands
It is not customary to shake hands at formal dances.
The host and the hostess should shake hands with each guest as they arrive.
If guest takes leave of host and hostess, they should shake hands. If they are surrounded by guests, a pleasant nod of farewell is admissible.
Men
At a ball, court, and all very formal occasions, gloves should not be removed when shaking hands.
If the hostess wears gloves at any formal affair, a man wears his when he shakes hands with her. He should give a slight pressure only.
When men are introduced to men, they always shake hands. It is bad form to crush the hand when shaking it.
When introduced to a woman, men should bow, but not offer to shake hands.
Women
Upon introduction, a woman may shake hands with either men or women, but a slight inclination of the body, a pleasant smile, and an appropriate remark are more correct.
If the woman is seated when a man enters the room, she rises to greet him, and, if she wishes, shakes hands. She has the option to shake hands or not, and should make the first advances. It is bad form for him to do so.
If one person extends the hand, it should be accepted without the slightest hesitation, to avoid embarrassment.
Stationary
Unruled plain white or gray paper, that folds once in the envelope, and black ink, are the standard materials for social correspondence.
The variations from plainness and quietness in the use of stationery that are permitted women are denied to men. Their paper is never perfumed, and all fancy styles are in poor taste. If a woman chooses to perfume her stationary any perfume she uses should be extremely delicate.
Under no circumstances should a man use his business stationery for social correspondence.
Street Etiquette
Accidents
In case of accident or danger a man should protect the woman whom he escorts, and take her to a place of safety. If her clothing is torn, or she has met with some accident of which she is unaware, a man may, if he desires, politely raise his hat and call her attention to the fact. If by accident a man jostles a woman or steps upon her dress, he should raise his hat, bow, and apologize, whether he knows her or not.
Bowing
A man should acknowledge the salutation of a woman on the street, even if he does not know her, as it saves her from embarrassment at her mistake.
When bidding farewell to a woman after a conversation on the street, a man should bow and raise his hat.
When a man opens a door for a woman unknown to him, he should bow, while she enters in advance of him.
A man should raise his hat and bow on all occasions when offering any courtesy to a woman, whether stranger or acquaintance.
A man may bow to an elderly man or person of official position.
A man may offer his services to a woman in crossing a crowded thoroughfare, and should raise his hat and bow when she is safely over, but should, make no comment unless she does so first. He may also offer her assistance in getting on or off a car, raising his hat and bowing without remark.
Canes and Umbrellas
These should be carried vertically, never horizontally, thereby endangering other persons' eyes. Especially is this important when entering cars or going up long flights of steps.
Men
If a man is passed on the street without any recognition by an acquaintance, he should hesitate before accepting it as a direct cut, as it may have been an oversight. If it is repeated, he will know its full meaning.
To pass a person whom one knows and to look straight at him without recognition is the rudest way of dropping an acquaintance.
A man should avoid loud and boisterous behavior.
If a man is compelled to force his way through a crowded street, he should do so courteously and with an apology to any one inconvenienced by his act.
In walking three or four abreast, men should be careful not to obstruct the thoroughfare, but should quickly fall into single file when necessary.
A man should greet his acquaintances on the street quietly and courteously, and if on a crowded street, should step out of the way of persons and be brief in his remarks.
In all public places and conveyances a man should offer his seat to a woman, though he is not expected to do so when reserved seats can be obtained--as, in a theatre, at an opera, etc.
Riding & Transportation
Whether in a private carriage, a car or a taxi, a lady must never sit on a gentleman's left; because according to European etiquette, a lady "on the left" is not a "lady." Although this etiquette is not strictly observed in America, no gentleman should risk allowing even a single foreigner to misinterpret a lady's position.
Walking
A man should not walk between two women, but at the side nearest the curb.
When walking with a woman, a man should walk near the curb, unless passing an obstruction-as, a building in course of construction-when she should have the outer side to protect her from harm, or from coming in contact with disagreeable things.
A man should offer his right arm to a woman.
Women
Conduct on the street should always be reserved. It is bad form to loudly laugh or to boldly glance at the passers-by, especially men.
Women should never walk three or four abreast.
Women may salute each other with a bow and a handshake, but a kiss in public is no longer in good form.
During a promenade, where friends pass and repass, it is not necessary to exchange greetings to each other.
A polite "Thank you," with a bow and a smile, should be the reward of any man extending a courtesy to a woman.
Telephone Invitations
Telephone invitations should be sent only to those with whom the utmost intimacy exists, and who will pardon the informality.
"Wallflowers"
This is the name commonly applied to young women at a ball who do not dance because of lack of partners. It should be the aim of the hostess, with the aid of any unpartnered gentleman, to find partners for such young women.