I used to have a normal life, I swear.

Then I hit the road

The First Tapes

::click:: I don’t really know how to start this so I’m just going to start talking and hopefully I’ll get to the point. ::sound of a pen tapping against a hard surface and a sigh::. Do you remember how I used to collect post cards? It was never because I thought the pictures were pretty but because I was dreaming of going there and I wanted something to focus on. I wanted to be there where ever... there was. Everywhere really. I’ve always had a little … wanderlust I guess you could call it. So uhmm... Dad you probably don’t know this but when I was … oh man I think it was the summer before I started high school mom and I had this like woman’s day together. And it really was a great time mom, but uhm.. right so the promise. Mom made me make her two promises that day. One was that I would finish college and two was that I wouldn’t get pregnant before I graduated. After that she said that my time was mine but she wanted to, and I didn’t know this at the time but she wanted to, you know, make sure I didn’t find myself where you two did. And I get it. It’s cool. But so now, here I am with a very expensive piece of paper that says that I know how to tell other people’s stories and I don’t really feel like I even have my own. ::with an affected voice::. Extra extra! Read all about it! White middle class girl from suburbs finishes college with degree in Journalism and... ::back to normal tone::. no one cares. So I need to go and find my story. It’s not that I’m not grateful for everything that you’ve done for me I am... I ::short pause::. I just feel like I have no right asking people for their stories when I don’t have anything to trade. My life has been good, but it’s been kind of boring. You know? So I’m going. I don’t really know where just... out there somewhere. I’ll send you post cards and tapes. I’ll keep in touch. Please don’t worry too much about me ok? I love you. ::click::

::click:: Hey, so it’s been a couple months now, uhm I hope you’ve been getting my post cards. I’ve been having the most amazing time. I spent some time down south like uh on a farm working with the migrant workers and stuff. Oh my god guys that’s the hardest work ever! And the stories they have... my god. It’s amazing what they do and how they live and... I can’t really get into details I would never stop talking but it was an amazing experience. And then I hooked up with these people who are like part of this uhm... I guess you could call them a collective? They go by the name Rainbow Family which is like this really loosely organized group of people from pretty much all over who kind of dedicate themselves to living lives more natural lives. Like hippies, it’s so crazy. Anyway this group is like this caravan of RVs and stuff. Every night they kind of circle the wagons, as it were and they build a campfire and everyone cooks and then we all eat and sit around the fire and tell stories. Sometimes they’re real and sometimes they’re made up sometimes they’re all like fable and things. It’s great though. But all good things you know? They are all headed out to like Florida or something and I am getting off in Colorado. I got a job over the winter like to be a caretaker for this hotel. It’s a seasonal place, closes over the worst of the winter because all the roads get shut down. It’s kind of like The Shining but hopefully with like one hundred percent less insanity and murder. ::A short laugh::. I’m sure it’ll be fine though. I’m going to be out of touch for a while no phones or postal service there. I’m excited. So I’ve gotta go uhm... Happy Anniversary early. Love you guys!::click::

::click:: personal journal. November 7th. I think I’m going crazy and I think I’m not alone. I can’t prove anything just yet but ::sigh... ::click::

::click:: I’m hearing things and seeing things and feeling things that I can’t possibly really experience. Like uh... if I hear something in some part of the hotel and I strain to hear it and then it’s like I can... hear the snow falling or the scratching sounds of the rats in the walls or if I stare off into space and I can sometimes see the grain in the wood panelling like all the way down the hallway. It’s really ::long pause::. And then there’s the dreams and this like... craving. I don’t even know what it’s for just that I want something and it’s like I need. Oh God what is going on? ::click::

::click:: thanksgiving day. Maybe there’s a radioactive spider or I fell into a vat of toxic waste and didn’t realize it but something... something. I definitely have some kind of like... super powers now. I’ve got that super sense thing, though I can’t see through walls. I do know that I can run really really fast, like faster than I should be able to. I also know that I can’t fly, that one hurt, but I also heal really fast now. When I do though that... need. ::deep breath::. What the hell is going on? I ::a pause and the sound of footsteps against a wooden floor::. I still cant shake the feeling that there’s some one or … more appropriately something else here. It’s like I’m constantly being watched. Sometimes I see things flicker in and out of my sight, like a book will be on the table, then it isn’t... then it is again when I stare at it. It’s Jesus Fuck I don’t know. I’m really scared. And the dreams man the fucking dreams... ::The pacing stops::. The upside... if you can even consider it that is that I figured out what I’ve been craving. ::Drawn out silence:: I don’t think I’m ready to say it out loud yet. I’m going to do a ::the sound of a distant crash::. Shit! ::The sound of running footsteps and a slamming door....::click::

::click::.. her voice is hushed, whispered:: I saw him, at least I know it’s a person. I think at least. I can’t really be sure of anything right now. I’m outside right now, trying to figure out how possible it is for me to get out of here. I don’t uhm... see anything just white. Even when I look uh.. far it’s still white. Fuck. ::shaky breath::. fuck fuck fuck ::a choked sob... ::click::

::click:: What ever it is that you’re doing to me... please stop? Please! I don’t want this.. just please. ::click::

::click:: I think it’s Christmas. I don’t really know what day it is. I turned off the electricity a while ago the buzz was... I had no idea how loud electricity can be. I can’t think of the last time that I was up during the day. It feels safer, somehow, sleeping during the day. Is that crazy? Is there anything right now that isn’t crazy? It was a little warmer out... recently. I tried to go wait up for the sun. I was going to go. I didn’t care if I was going to die out in the cold and the snow I just wanted out. I needed to get out. So I waited and... I guess I... I don’t even remember getting back into bed or drawing that curtain thing around my mattress but when I woke up that’s where I was. The whole day was gone... I’d lost it. I missed out. I don’t have the courage to try again. I can only think of one other way out. ::Long silence then a sigh and click:::.

::click:: long silence.::click::.

::click:: :. It’s... I don’t know what date it is. ::Her voice is exhausted::. I haven’t been sleeping, when I do it’s all a jumble of blood and screams and ::She whimpers, then silence::. I haven’t been able to find him again. I keep looking. I might very well be insane. I’ve come to terms with that but I know that I saw him. I know that I saw...something. When I left my room this morning I got this... vision when I … when I dunno when I opened the door. I saw myself in bed, tossing and turning, and I was flooded with this … hunger but also pride. There was this feeling of I dunno... I think it was him... but how can that be possib... how is any of this possible? ::hollow laughter::. I am so fucking hungry. ::click::

::click:: I think I’m dead. ::silence:: I tried to kill myself after the … christmas thing. It didn’t work, obviously. I don’t know why it didn’t. I took a bunch of aspirin and got into a hot bath and slit down the street. I woke up though... my wrists had scars but no cuts. The scars are even gone now. But I did it. The bathtub was filled with blood... I .. I uh... ::long silence:: I noticed that I wasn’t really breathing the other day. I just ::silence:: it was so quiet. I thought at first I was just holding my breath and didn’t realize it. But then I realized that my lungs weren’t aching, I wasn’t like... suffocating. I just wasn’t breathing. I couldn’t find my pulse. I cut myself and I didn’t bleed, the cut just... was there. And then it wasn’t. I can’t see myself in mirrors anymore, I’m there but I’m not.. it’s just a blur where I should be. I still feel solid though... like I have a body so I don’t think I’m a ghost. I can open and close doors. I can’t walk through walls. I can’t ::pause:: ...eat. Anything I try to eat or drink comes right back up. I’m so hungry and I’m really scared that I know what it is that I want. So I’m ignoring that and trying to feel my way around that but there isn’t much else. I can feel something. I can feel a … It feels like something is pulling me. It’s very slight but I can feel it. I think tomorrow I’m going to go and follow it. ::click::

::click:: Kindred. Mekhet. Embrace. Sire. Childer. Auspex. Obfuscate. Celerity. Vitae. Blood. ::Each word is enunciated clearly and slowly, like she’s trying them out on her tongue...::click::