From SuspireWiki

We exist in a world where the fear of
Iillusion is real
And we cling to the past to deny and confuse the ideal
Once inside, we can conceive and believe in a god we can't feel
~ The Tea Party - Temptation[2]

My Story

I walked slowly taking my time tonight. The gleam of stars bright above me shadowed by the soft whispering tree leaves above me. The music in my ears, a female voice purrs out “sweet Jane” as the music soft and slow sooths the beast inside – pushing away the red that crowds my vision. I remember what it was like before like flashes of some old picture show in my head.

I see flashes of a birthday cakes, happy mortal faces, school bells and books, all blends into another bigger cake and white satin a happy waxen couple on the top, then another flash of soft dark skin, pink hard nipple against my lips, her soft voice in my ear, and a feeling of being complete.

The blood pulses in my veins, burns in my fingers and toes, I wish I didn’t know what would come. I feel the itch to run as it flows over me but I resist it. The feeling is sweet like a lover’s grasp that you put off to only make the feeling stronger.

“sweet Jane, Sweet Sweet Jane..” the song croons, and I see the inevitable flashes of her angry face, I feel again the sting of her hand on my face. The flashes of light of the streetlights as they shine on her tear stained face. “You’re going to fast!” she yells at me – my anger. The rain against the windshield, then again the squeal of tires as the we leave the road.

A car zooms past me on the highway, the blinding headlights in my eyes a relief from the scenes that play out again and again in my head. The melancholy pain sweet and soothing mingles with the urge to run. I stick out my thumb but the driver keeps on going.

I keep walking, the song changes- “wicked game” I almost laugh at the irony of it. I almost wish it would rain, but there isn’t a cloud in the sky tonight. I remember what it was like to crawl from the wreckage. I remember looking back and seeing the glass embedded in her dark gleaming skin, in the face that had raged at me moments before still and dead. I still remember the details of that face. It’s strange how images and feelings and sights and sounds all get intermixed in a memory. I remember the twitch of my nostrils at the smell of blood intermixed with gasoline.

I remember the woods and crawling in the muck the pain, and then of her. I think I laughed as she came to me. Flashes of night sky behind her hair as she bent over me and changed my life forever.

Another set of headlights gleams on the horizon, twin beacons in a dark night. I stick out my thumb again, and this time the car slows and pulls to the side, the window goes down. A face illuminated by the lights on the dash “where you going buddy?”

“Carcosa” I reply, and I’m told to climb in. His blood tastes good like liquid fire as it burns its way down my parched throat, the beast inside stirs and growls - and I forget about her and about everything for awhile.

I put the earphones back into my ears when it’s done and I drive onwards in my newly acquired car, the remains of my meal in the seat beside me. The city lights are a glow on the horizon and the music continues in my ears. Harder now, “hey "Mr. Jack” the beast stirs at the corners of my vision it likes to go fast and I acknowledge it, relaxing the grip that keeps it chained. Faster and faster we speed towards the glowing light of the city on the horizon.

Memories continue to flick past my inner eye like the streetlights flashing past me. All darkness and painted in blood, my first meal my dead wife in that wrecked car, ruined flesh still warm. It’s hard to believe that was only three years ago now.

I’m pushing on the accelerator harder, shifting into a higher gear. I can see the My Makers face again laughing at me, urging me on. Flashes of that other life, the mortal life of backrooms and pool halls, deals gone good and some deals gone bad. I was a gambler then and still am. I can see their laughing faces Tony, Jimmy, Snap the good old boys.

I can feel my skin hardening and thickening in anticipation, the dead flesh knows. I shift again the engine whines in protest at its rough treatment at the speed it’s forced to go. I inhale and can smell the stink of the corpse beside me.

These past three years I spent with Her. We traveled the back roads, we fucked like animals and through it all is the blood and the gods. Never forget about the Gods, these past years she taught me everything she knew which wasn't much.

So swiftly I rise to the surface wresting control from the beast long enough to twist the wheel. The squeal of tires the crunch of the guard rail and then that weightless feeling, the sinking in these dead guts as we fall, and then flashes of sky and the crack of bone and metal and glass. Over an Over the car rolls I’m jostled like a sheet in the dryer until it stops and I’m left battered, bruised and laughing pulling myself free.

In Carcosa she says there is knowledge. Well Carcosa here I am.

Other

Court Mask

Tattoo

Required Plant

Necklace