Mar 5th, 2010 3:24 am
Recording 4

::A device clicks on... but its dead air for a minute or two.::

This is... a convoluted mess. Delilah has managed to scare the pants off of the Carthians by flexing her proverbial cock. As much as I think this is stupid, her trying to drive a wedge between something that was just a budding friendship, I realize the politics behind it and if I were in her position I would probably do the same thing.

She moves fast. In the time that I've been in Carcosa, she's done a lot of things. If she isn't careful her little castle will come tumbling down...

I let her bother me and that bothers me more than her bothering me. It's because I see what she's trying to do... but Desirae is right. Let her do her things. There is absolutely no way she can ever keep us from worshipping. Eventually, when there is still no evidence of the accusations she likes to throw around willy nilly, Kindred will see she's an idiot and stop being so afraid of her.

::A pause.::

Pretty sure that's a pipe dream. Kindred of Carcosa aren't that smart. They prefer to go with the popular opinion so they don't fall out of favor. There is little to no understanding of what it means to suffer for their gifts.

::Another pause, and even a soft sigh.::

Desirae...

She moves me. I could detach very easily, but I don't want to. She brings something to the table that I find valuable. Not to mention... I knew she was coming. I didn't know this girl named Desirae was coming to Carcosa, or that it would be a woman, specifically, but I knew I was getting a muse. I asked for one.

I saw myself taking on these leadership duties and I didn't know how to proceed. My idea of dealing with things like Delilah is to... hurt it really bad, make it bleed. But this can't be handled with violence... yet. I needed something to help me find calmness.

Maybe I'll paint again tonight. And again when I wake.

What do I want out of this exercise?

I want to learn to focus on one issue at a time. To stop the messy pattern my mind makes of nightly political issues. At some point, I want to step back from hearing about the latest bullshit the Sanctified are doing and smile, and think and believe... it doesn't matter.

I have always believed that fearing Kindred is stupid and pointless. But maybe I am among the few who do not fear death by the hands of man. They cannot punish me greater than my gods. Man's punishment or cruelty can't compare to theirs, if they're angered. Though, I should keep in mind that that doesn't mean I should strike off and get myself killed either...

I think that's why my feelings on the Caleb issue have changed so much recently. I can't help him. And I'm not so sure I would if I could. His being awake would probably only make matters worse as far as the Sanctified wanting to stir the shit pot.

I miss him, I do. But like most other lovers, he's fading into the background.

I believe justice will be done for him. The gods will see it done, because I've asked for it. He deserves that much... because he was a loyal friend.

Hmm.

::There's dead silence before the device clicks off.::